Sunday, June 16, 2024

Satire: A guide to all the best sights on the university’s campus

MosaicSatire: A guide to all the best sights on the university's campus

BY CAROLINE POWELL
Staff Writer




For those of you who may be new to the Newark area, it’s important to have a guide to all the sites and attractions we have on campus.

In the center of campus is the beautiful Green, where you’ll find many students rushing to their class that started five minutes ago. Most of them by foot, some of them by bikes. Watch out for the bikes. They show no mercy and will run you over if you’re in their way.

Just down the street on East Delaware Avenue is a beautiful work of construction. No one knows what they’re building, but of course our student payments will be put towards something useful, right?

The campus is just minutes away from Main Street, where you’ll find lots of hidden stores, restaurants and a man who will serenade you with a capella performances of songs from 2012. Sometimes, there is even a giant rat. He shows up unexpectedly, but surprisingly when you need it. So, be on the lookout. 

On your way to class, you may pass by Kirkbride Lecture Hall. There you’ll find Kirkbride Jesus. He’s a guy who spews Christian, and oftentimes, outlandish rhetoric all day long; but if you have tattoos, piercings, colored hair or you just look off at him, he’ll be sure to let you know you’re going to Hell. Trust me, from experience, he will.

You may even find all of the wonderful fraternities on campus throwing dages on Saturdays, playing remixes of Bon Jovi and being subtly creepy to women who have no interest in them. Be vigilant. If you see something, say something. You’ll read that message at least once a month from the Newark Police Department (PD).

Newark PD does an amazing job at keeping the campus safe for students. They are constantly at war with the Orbeez Outlaw and have been for months. You might be wondering, who are the Orbeez bandits? No one knows. Some kids like to shoot water pellets at people on Main Street. But don’t worry! Newark PD will get them, one day. 

The Christiana Mall is roughly 15 minutes away by car, along with White Clay Creek State Park and Milburn Orchards neighboring campus. Unfortunately, if you don’t have a car, it gets pretty boring on weekends if you don’t feel like partying. Luckily, you can buy a parking spot in a lot 15 minutes away from your dorm for the small price of about $500 an academic year (no, not a full 12 months)! 

A good tip for you incoming Blue Hens: have enough food in your dorm. The food courts in Perkins and Trabant are closed on weekends. Also, the bus schedule changes on weekends. Oh, and the Student Health Center is also closed on weekends. So just make sure you don’t get hungry, sick or need to go far on campus during the weekends. 

Being a student at our university is amazing. With all of the great courses offered for your majors, all the friends you will make and the wonderful things to do outside of class, you will feel like you are home. Just stay away from Kirkbride Jesus. 

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