Thursday, November 30, 2023

Satire: Jaywalking? More like slaywalking

MosaicSatire: Jaywalking? More like slaywalking

Co-Managing Mosaic Editor

Are you always running late? Do you need a shortcut but lack a car or the cash to park one? Well, I have just the solution for you! Slaywalking. Slaywalking is a tactical form of jaywalking that requires an understanding of intersection/traffic dynamics and alternate routes, as well as spatial awareness, confidence, style and swag. 

Want to be the hottest, most time-efficient person in Newark? That isn’t possible, nor is that the goal. Slaywalking is about style, not punctuality. I tend to stop to drink my coffee because it spills on me if I’m sipping on the go. I also like to pause for selfies because I want to collect content for my family group chat. I’ve got a reputation to uphold with my daily camera roll dumps. 

If you live off-campus like me, you have a substantial audience on your way to class. There are always people by Iron Hill Brewery & Restaurant to admire an ethereal being such as yourself. When there is an audience, there must be entertainment. It is your civic duty to be that entertainment. 

You will catch everyone’s eye by having the smoothest, widest strides that anyone has ever seen. You can strengthen these strides by listening to the Mario Kart soundtrack while you walk. I once cut my ETA to Memorial Hall in half by walking to the Coconut Mall song. There’s nothing that can induce a more confident and sexy walk than the Mario Kart soundtrack.

Make sure you are wearing your favorite outfits, because you’ll be more motivated to go to class if you know that your arrival will bring your peers to sensory nirvana. Classes don’t truly start until your outfit-of-the-day reveal has made your peers fall in love with you. 

I pride myself on my ability to slaywalk with ease. Recently, I have cut it close with my slaywalking and was almost hit by cars. Slaying is never safe. However, my grandma once told me that “almost” doesn’t count, and I’ve decided to live by that motto.

The key to slaywalking is keeping an eye on the intersection lights. If the coast is clear from all sides and you can’t walk, ignore the haters and proceed to cross. You shouldn’t have to wait on a stick person on a screen to tell you when you can cross the street. You are an adult with free will who should be allowed to exercise this right, and they are just a stick person.

There’s no valid reason to neglect a great opportunity to cross the street. Jaywalking has been decriminalized in California, and I possess a certain Californian free spirit energy, so it is spiritually legal for me to jaywalk. If you also have this energy (which you should), then I am giving you a spiritual free pass. 

I have been told that students at the university get ticketed for jaywalking, but I slaywalk every day on East Delaware Avenue and Main Street and have yet to have that issue.  Until it happens to me, it hasn’t happened. If you slaywalk in a pack, you’re safe. No one will hit you or arrest you. 

Jaywalking is dangerous and illegal. Slaywalking, on the other hand, is necessary and answers to a higher authority. 

As a driver, I get angry when students without the right of way cross South College Avenue; but I respect grabbing a slay-portunity. You should never turn down a good opportunity in life. 

If all of the lanes are clear, then you shall proceed. What are you waiting for? If you want to be lame and arrive late, that’s on you. However, I’m giving you the key to success and it would be quite the silly goose move to turn down this key. 

If you cross where there is no crosswalk, I cannot promise you safety; but I can promise you a significant adrenaline boost. Main Street is a scary place to jaywalk across if you’re afraid of being awesome, but if you make your appearance known and walk with pride then you should be okay. Someone tried to hit me with their car by Chipotle once, but I was wearing an ugly raincoat and lacking confidence, so this experience could’ve been prevented. Never be like me and let your slay guard down. 

If you follow all of these tips, you, my friend, are slaywalking. Slaywalking is an art. Slaywalking is an Olympic sport. Slaywalking is the secret to happiness. Slaywalking is the key to arriving on time to class, despite Google Maps telling you that you’ll be late. Everyone knows nothing satisfies like proving Google Maps’s ETA wrong. 

My final tip to achieving slaywalking is to traverse parking lots instead of sidewalks. Make your own path in life and be a trailblazer – sidewalks are merely a suggestion by the patriarchy. The patriarchy has no style. 

Good luck with your slaywalking and be sure to thank me at graduation when you are recognized for the most fashionable stride.




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