Sunday, June 16, 2024

Satire: The university’s top 10 hottest celebrities

MosaicSatire: The university’s top 10 hottest celebrities

Co-Managing Mosaic Editor

Here at the university, there are a couple of campus regulars that I consider to have reached “university celebrity status.” If you can ask any student on campus about a certain person and have them know exactly who you’re talking about, then you’re talking about a university celebrity. We’ve all seen them, and we all know them — for either a good or bad reason. Examples of such famous figures include mascot Baby Blue, sidewalk-resident Kirkbride Jesus and the Main Street Rat. However, I’ll say it: there are celebrities, and then there are hot celebrities. And if your favorite famous university persona happens to fall on the hot end of the hot-or-not scale, the fact is that not all hotties are created equal.

Ten of these celebrities are hotter than the rest, and only one of them is the hottest of them all. After performing hours worth of totally objective research and observation, I was able to determine the top 10 hottest celebrities at the university:

10. My laptop. We’ve seen the daily high temperatures make some pretty drastic jumps recently, going from 55 to 85 in a matter of two weeks — and I was looking forward to warmer weather! That was, until the first day I tried to do homework outside, and felt the back of my laptop become one of the hottest things in a five-mile radius.

9. The squirrels. I can’t imagine how hot it is in the garbage cans around campus right now, but I still see these tiny troopers climbing into them!

8. Power outages. Boy, are these HOT right now. If you’re a recipient of UD Alerts, you know what I’m talking about.

7. The bunsen burners in the labs. I’m lucky enough to not have a lab course this semester, but I can imagine how hot it would be to walk indoors, glad for a respite from the glaring sun, only to work over a literal flame.

6. My phone. With the way temperatures have been rising, I can already see a “Temperature: iPhone needs to cool down before you can use it” screen in my near future. Due to how much I fear this alert, my phone beats out my laptop for a higher spot on this list.

5. The Kraft macaroni & cheese cup I microwaved in The Nest. I’m not a frequent consumer of microwave meals, so I wasn’t prepared for the first bite of my mac & cheese to burn off the entire roof of my mouth. I don’t think whether I was expecting it or not wouldn’t have made it any less hot though.

4. The microwave in The Nest. Shortly before burning my mouth on my first bite of mac & cheese, I reached into the microwave once my cup was done heating up only to experience instant regret. Let’s just say that I should’ve used a paper towel (or entire roll) to grab my hot meal out of that possibly-industrial microwave.

3. The sewage stench. I’m sure you’ve noticed that some parts of campus can be … stinky, on occasion. Well, I only have to look up at the bright, blue, clear sky to know that the source of that stink is about to enter its hottie era — and we’re all gonna know about it.

2. UDance canners. Standing outside of Starbucks, soliciting donations for two hours straight in THIS heat? That’s hot.

1. YouDee. Yes, you heard it here first — the university’s mascot, YouDee, is the hottest celebrity on campus. Should you be surprised, though? I mean, can you imagine how hot it must be in that costume right now?





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