Thursday, November 30, 2023

Satire: UFO spotted above Newark

MosaicSatire: UFO spotted above Newark

Staff Reporter

An unidentified flying object (UFO) has allegedly been spotted in Newark. 

Just as Newark was about to hit a record-breaking three hours without an incident, a sophomore at the university, who only allows us to refer to him as “Milk,” claims he saw a UFO soaring above the skies of Newark. The university is perplexed.

“I’ve never seen anything like it – all I could see was some kind of light.” Milk says. “It circled the night sky at a constant pace. At first glance I thought it was the bat signal but I quickly realized that it was an alien saucer. This was no weather balloon; every cloud was in its assigned position.”

Professor Uldi F. Oshnieks is the current chairman of the College of Underwater Basket-Weaving with a PhD in interstellar communication from the University of Marquesas. When asked if Milk’s story was plausible, he seems to believe so.

“It’s certainly a possibility; Newark tends to be a hotbed for extraterrestrial encounters,” Oshnieks says. “I’m happy to hear that Mr. Milk was staying vigilant and spotted this anomaly. Once my course ‘UWBW104: Principles of Interstellar Atrocities (With Laboratory)’ gets approved, I will tell my students to act like Milk.”

Oshnieks detailed that students have nothing to worry about when it comes to safety risks from the alleged UFO.  

“It shouldn’t be an issue; many nations in the Andromeda have strong economies so extraterrestrials have more disposable income than we do and travel a lot,” Oshnieks says. 

Oshnieks touched on whether this is just a Newark phenomenon or if this has occurred  in other regions.

“I’ve heard rumblings that New Jersey is popular with the extraterrestrials around this time of year.” He adds. “But sadly I’m barred from the state after the incident in ‘94 so I am unable to investigate.”

Milk claims that he has received backlash from his peers for coming forth with this report.

“I’m heartbroken by the response I’ve gotten so far,” Milk says.  “When I told my friends (the small woodland creatures) about the encounter, they threw nuts at me. I was devastated.”

After a thorough investigation by university officials, it is found that the UFO in question was actually a light emitted from Perkins Student Center during “Perkins Live,” where Oshnieks was seen hosting Latvian Heritage Night. Milk shares his thoughts regarding this discovery.

“That’s what Joe Biden wants you to think,” Milk says.




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