Tuesday, November 29, 2022


Satire: The university has a hole problem

The brick stealing tradition returned for another school year. The holes left by the tradition caused a great amount of distress for the members of the community.

Satire: Assanis Levine

Illustrator Danny Tull parodies the Adam Levine scandal and how President Dennis Assanis might be involved.

Ground-breaking news: Brick thieves return to campus (satire)

Opinion Columnist Shayna Demick investigates the brick-stealing phenomenon that has the campus dissolving before our very eyes.

Satire: The seven stages of getting hit on by a man as a lesbian

Staff Writer Stephanie Maria describes the seven stages of getting hit on by a man as a lesbian.

Satire: Last-minute course offerings for Fall 2022

From a jaywalking practicum to a class on Newark’s strange weather patterns, check out the latest classes the university is offering this semester.

Satire: My university president is a vampire

About three things I am absolutely positive: first, that Dennis Assanis is a vampire. Second, there is a part of him, and I don’t know how dominant that part may be, that thirsts for the blood of university students. And third, that you will never hear from me again once this article is published.

Satire: Another brick in the HyFlex classroom wall

I have never found “The Truman Show” so profound until now.

To study abroad, or…

All it takes is a little imagination to recreate a study abroad experience in the comfort of your home or dorm.

From the belly of the administrative beast: At the inauguration with President Assanis

When the day came, I was greeted by a YouDee™ emblazoned limousine that had pulled up in front of my house.

POV: Your Zoom Secret Admirer – My 12 synchronous sessions of loving you

Roses are red, violets are blue. No amount of remote learning could quell my love for you.

From the belly of the administrative beast: It’s getting worse

Managing Mosaic Editor Danny Zang's housing assignment in the humble abode of university president Dennis Assanis grows ever more stressful.

Local sports editor goes 5-for-5, hoping to rally comeback efforts against lanternflies

The humans are losing ground to the invasive spotted lanternflies, but a late game victory may turn the tide.

Turning my humble Cincinnati condo into UD’s campus

Still feeling homesick for campus? We are too. Check out these certified Fightin' Blue Hen tips and tricks for creating your very own campus atmosphere.

Satire: Fletcher Hopkins, third grader, creates university’s COVID-19 dashboard

University administration encouraged Hopkins to create the COVID-19 dashboard using a sheet of wide-ruled paper and a crayon, of which they would then take a photo with a 2013 Samsung Galaxy. Hopkins, however, insisted that he at least use Google Sheets.